Anna Feldman … a letter from my skin

For the last 20 years, Vitiligo, a condition that effects 1-2% of the human population has been destroying the pigment on my skin, leaving me a map of white patches to figure out the meaning and  the deeper purpose of my life. Over the years this autoimmune condition has tested my self-worth and my courage to the core of my being.
 
I remember the day I was first given the diagnosis of Vitiligo and the foreboding look on the dermatologists face when he explained the lack of understanding of where this condition comes from and the shortage of solutions to make it go away. I knew then that I had a choice to either let this thing beat me by allowing myself to be swallowed in the shame or I could maybe turn this into something good, something positive. Even back then I had the attitude of an optimist with a few temper tantrums and pity parties along the way.
 
The truth is I felt guilty for having a problem with my skin’s colour deteriorating when it could have been so much worse. I knew people, even at my age who were diagnosed with chronic conditions and diseases effecting their organs, their energy levels, and completely disrupting their whole lives. I felt stuck at times between secretly feeling sorry for myself and doing my best to make the most of what I had.
 
Looking on from the outside I may have looked unaffected, traveling the world as an executive coach, accomplishing my goals, marrying a wonderful man and having a beautiful healthy son, but behind the mask, I was struggling to find a way to feel truly beautiful, even though I knew my new face didn’t have to define me. I quietly sucked it up and held my head up as high as I could and got on with it.
 
Today I realise that that just left me feeling like a fraud most of the time. The “not talking about it” was the real issue. The pretending it was all ok and the getting on with it, just left me skipping over my feelings without any real way of expressing how it was playing havoc with my confidence in the most deceptive ways. But I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my skin because I didn’t feel comfortable inside of it. Even in my time as a yoga teacher where I was guiding my students lovingly and compassionately through their growth and expansion, I was somehow disassociated from my own ability to turn some of that kindness towards myself.

Vitiligo has been an insidious condition to manage. It’s had its way with really messing with me, as the “beauty wound” so often does. We all know the saying that beauty is only skin deep, yet, even the most conscious-minded of us find clever covert ways of hiding and playing small when we carry this wound, especially as women. Whether it’s some kind of disfigurement of the skin or the body, some kind of blemish or imperfection or a perceived flaw, we find a way to hide.
 
For me, It was the small things such as withdrawing at parties and meetings especially around groups of beautiful and vibrant women. Difficulty speaking up and taking up space in conversations and challenges finding the right clothing and make-up to wear to hide the spreading blotches all over my face, feet and body.
 
But it was the bigger things that were most disturbing, such as staying in my job longer after I had outgrown it because of a deeper fear that I wouldn’t be able to succeed by following my dream to create a business of my own. The painful experience of knowing I was here to step into visibility, yet feeling so deeply insufficient and self-conscious. The pain of feeling under-expressed, like there was something big I was here to do, yet caught up in what others might think of me if I show up in a new way, was almost too much to bear. That’s when I first read something from Wayne and Serena Dyer which said “don’t die with your music still in you” and it struck me so profoundly… I cannot allow myself to live any life other than the one I was born to live. None of us can or should have to, especially if we are being held back by self-deprecating beliefs about our body or our appearance.
 
In a letter I once wrote in the voice of my own skin, I was able to express some of the anger and resentment my skin was holding against me all this time. It had firm words to say to me like “who do you think you are to be ashamed of me?! You have breathed through me, felt the deliciousness of life through me and sensed sweetness through me all these years, I literally hold you together…you have so much to be thankful for and yet you hide me away, look at me with disdain in the mirror, cover me up with awful chemicals and make me your excuse for not shining as brightly as you know you came here too!”. The words just flowed from a place of truth and full expression and she’s was right! I have betrayed my skin and myself many many times as I navigate the complexities of being woman in the world, my own wounds and our cultural story around beauty and attractiveness
 
What I’ve discovered along the journey is that much too much of my own precious energy had been stuck in feeling like I wasn’t enough. Comparing myself and feeling diminished by other people’s beauty and brilliance instead of truly honouring my own. I was caught up in measuring myself against other incredible women in my life who I loved and admire so much. It was truly a very disempowered way to live in the world which has its way of keeping me smaller than I ever should have been.
 
It was only when I started speaking up about the “beauty wound” and sharing with others more publicly about what was going on for me, did things start to shift . There is something so empowering about coming clean with our vulnerabilities and giving each other the space to be imperfect and brilliant just as we are.
 
I started to practice deep self-love by following my calling to step into greater levels of leadership and visibility. The moment I started being more loyal to my deeper purpose in supporting other women into powerful transformation, the easier it became to love and accept myself and enjoy being in my body again.
 
Ahhhhh the power of taking our attention off of ourselves and onto a cause or a purpose that is so much bigger! As the fire for my purpose grew bigger than the fire of my fear of showing up, I’ve been able to discover the true gateway to my freedom. Freedom to be comfortable and confident and even radiant in my own skin.

I feel there is a letter to be written to my skin. An apology. An admission that I’m a work in progress, but I am doing my best. That I carry fragments of worry about what other will think of me if I show up without make-up, raw and real. That I will be ridiculed or cause some kind of disgust. There’s still that part of me feels the very real cultural bias towards attractive women even though we all agree that beauty is only skin deep, we are still human! I feel the flavour of gratitude coming in strongly. Perhaps I will begin…Dear Beloved Skin of Mine, Thank you Thank you Thank you. You truly have been one of my greatest teachers of love, compassion and courage. I honestly don’t think I would be the woman I am today without the lessons you have taught me.  You totally rock those white crazy patches like the warrior that you are! Keep on being the best YOU you can be! Everyone else’s skin is taken!
 
With Love, Anna